Cement

Og hvem var det lige, der sørgede for at knuse stenene, hva'?

— Jens Vejmand

Man gjaar saa gruelit meget igjennem for at legge dise sement!

— H.C. Andersen

Cement er et magisk pulver lavet af knuste sten og en trylleformular. Det har den fantastiske evne, at det ved at tilsætte vand kan blive til sten igen. Cement fåes i mange forskellige typer, f.eks.: Granit, kvarts eller marmor - det kommer helt an på hvor det skal bruges.

Historie

Cement blev opfundet af en romersk stenhugger, der var træt af at tage arbejdet med hjem hver aften. Da han efter et par år havde fået dårlig ryg, fandt han på at pulverisere de store sten og tage pulveret (se stenmel) med hjem for at støbe små brosten til de romerske veje. Han indgik et samarbejde med en af datidens store magikere Miraculix (senere kendt som Miraculix) for at få det til at kunne størkne. Desværre gik både trylleformularen og den historiske viden tabt ved det store slag i 1019.

I slutningen af 1940'erne genopfandt en mafia lejemorder dog igen cementen. Det var efterhånden blevet for dyrt af købe blylodder og kæder til at få de mange ofre til at synke i diverse søer. Ideen til cementen kom til ham en aften, hvor han spillede scraple med sin søn og ved et uhelt fik dannet trylleformularen, hvorefter hans aske på cigaren blev til sten. Han var ikke sen til at udnytte dette i forbindelse med hans arbejde, hvor det var langt hurtigere at stille folk i en spand og fylde cement i, før de blev smidt i søen. Dette gav også en langt bedre udnyttelse af søbunden, da folk ikke fylder så meget, når de står op.

Da han blev gammel flyttede han til den fredelige by Aalborg, hvor solgte han trylleformularen til Aalborg Portland.

DR2 talkshow-værten Clement Kjersgaard er delvist navngivet efter dette magiske pulver på grund af hans yderst tørre hud omkring læberne. 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Luski

Alternative anvendelser

Cement i føden

Efter at store dele af den europæisk befolkning i årevis har lidt af tynd mave har det tyske firma "Ciemens AG" taget patent på det, de selv beskriver som "die ultimative Lösung" på problemet: tilsætning af fint pulveriseret cement til populære fødemidler som cornflakes, kartoffelchips osv.

Fra flere sider påstås det dog, at patentet må være ugyldigt, da et klassisk, dansk fødemiddel som havregrød længe har været mistænkt for at have samme indhold (hvad allerede udseendet advarer om).

Rim og sange

Cement rimer ifølge den danske retstavningsordbog på Bent, lungepatient og bekendt. Det blev der i 2007 lavet en rap om. Sangen hed, "Dette er min drøm", og handler om en døende gammel indlagt mand, ved navn Bent, der er lungepatient. I sangen bliver han spurgt, om han skal have cement i sin kaffe. Sangen blev sendt ind til dansk bygningsforbund, men blev ikke godtaget, da cement ikke optrådte nok gange i sangen.

Se også

• Beton